Comedy

Cold Calculation

ArgusEyes — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 05:47:06 GMT

Come to New Zealand. Where the wildlife will rape you.

ArgusEyes — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 21:31:46 GMT

I’ve not med one of these yet, thank fuck. Just some inquisitive Kea’s.

I respect Robin Williams about a hundred times more now.

ArgusEyes — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 23:29:09 GMT

A man who plays good games can’t be all bad. I actually always liked Robin Williams.

Mathematics

ArgusEyes — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 21:50:51 GMT

1. Teaching maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry, because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £21,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers, as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

O.K. Guys.. This is what it takes for the oppression against women to stop

ArgusEyes — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 19:36:33 GMT

Some people can believe crap that can make your head spin. Some chick (I honestly thought she was a boy until she spoke) is moaning the usual moan about how I said all feminists were a certain way and I cannot possibly criticise feminism ever because they’re all different. Yeah, the usual stuff.

It was the little exchange we had that was so delicious, I may very well take it down as an all time classic feminist line.

I wrote:

Yes, a person who thinks she is oppressed will likely become a feminist, and yes, viewing oneself as being oppressed will make one angry.

However, history is replete with people who deluded themselves into believing fantasies that weren't true, and didn't ponder their own fallibility or potential to be wrong. Feminists fall into this camp. Acting on faith with emotion is the cause of so much evil, it is in this way that the feminists perpetrate sexism and oppression upon other's heads whilst at the same time claiming that they are against such things.

If you can provide that final elusive proof of oppression against women, outside of petty grievances about wolf whistles or myths like the wage gap stemming from systemic sexism, then we can start to find some common ground. But until you do so then to decry yourself as being oppressed as a woman in the year 2009 is worthy only of contempt.

She replied:

Again it seems that you're solely speaking from your personal experience with feminists. you cannot say that all feminists do all these things you stated because you dont' know every feminist. this may be some trend you are writing about or w/e but to make broad blanket statements is pretty pointless.

i honestly dont feel like going through the trouble of proving the oppression against women but until the day where a woman can go out side and walk wherever she wants, wearing whatever she wants, no matter what time of day and feel completely safe, then oppression against women doesnt exist, or when parents start feeling safe about leaving their children with a male babysitter.
part of being a human being is constantly questioning your opinion and changing your opinion. i think its funny that you're falling back on to the "feminists have some deluded sense that women are oppressed" argument. ive heard it all

Hard to know what to say to that. I just left it at:

I wish you the best in your wait for utopia.

Holy Crap! Study that didn’t need to be done.

ArgusEyes — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:57:17 GMT

As a great man, Dennis Prager, once said. A study either confirms common sense or it is wrong.

Twitter tweets are 40% 'babble'

A short-term study of Twitter has found that 40% of the messages sent via it are "pointless babble."

Carried out by US market research firm Pear Analytics, the study aimed to produce a snapshot of what people do with the service.

Almost as prevalent as the babble were "conversational" tweets that used it as a surrogate instant messaging system.

The study found that only 8.7% of messages could be said to have "value" as they passed along news of interest.

Get out.

Victim a go-go

ArgusEyes — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 19:13:13 GMT

Moore blames women for 'banal' TV

ArgusEyes — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 04:36:59 GMT

This one is a blast from the past. I saved this link a long time ago and just came upon it whilst cleaning out my archives.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6634255.stm

British TV standards are deteriorating because the BBC is "run by women", astronomer Sir Patrick Moore has said.

The Sky at Night host also described female newsreaders as "jokey" and called for separate channels to cater for the needs of the different sexes.

"I think it may eventually happen," the 84-year-old told the Radio Times.

A BBC spokesman described Sir Patrick as being one of TV's best-loved figures and said his "forthright" views were "what we all love about him".

The presenter said: "The trouble is the BBC now is run by women and it shows soap operas, cooking, quizzes, kitchen-sink plays. You wouldn't have had that in the golden days.

"I used to watch Doctor Who and Star Trek, but they went PC - making women commanders, that kind of thing. I stopped watching
Sir Patrick Moore

"I would like to see two independent wavelengths - one controlled by women, and one for us, controlled by men."

He claimed that interesting programmes were screened too late at night, and said he would "rather be dead in a ditch" than appear on Celebrity Big Brother. And asked about his favourite series, Sir Patrick said he no longer enjoyed certain programmes because of their modern storylines.

"I used to watch Doctor Who and Star Trek, but they went PC - making women commanders, that kind of thing. I stopped watching."

Sir Patrick appears in the Guinness Book of Records as the longest-serving TV presenter, having appeared on his show about astronomy since 1957.

Sir Patrick Moore is an eccentric British astronomer. I mean, just look at the picture. Any man who wears a monocle is A-OK on my books, all he needs to complete the picture is a pipe and we’d be set.

This post is mostly something funny from a fellow curmudgeon. I am not going to hang my cap on Moores views as I stopped watching TV years ago so I don’t know what it is like now – probably crap.

Laura Bennett says more stultifyingly stupid things

ArgusEyes — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 00:13:36 GMT

Laura Bennett, who wrote a ridiculous piece entitled “When Did My 13-Year-Old Son Become a 'Player?'” excretes another hilarious piece that demonstrates that she seems to have problems with the concept that boys grow up and, you know, get more mature and smarter.

I’m just having trouble understanding how the little boy who hid between my legs underneath my skirt became interested in someone else’s skirt.

Source: Laura Bennett http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-03-01/when-did-my-13-year-old-son-become-a-player/

Sure you’re having problems with it Laura, you don’t seem to be too bright. People interested in more mental suicide should consult her previous work http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-03-01/when-did-my-13-year-old-son-become-a-player/

Sure you’re having problems with it Laura, you don’t seem to be too bright. People interested in more mental suicide should consult her previous work “Exactly How Are Men Superior?”

I love my sons—they’re funny, sweet, and full of surprises. But I don’t understand how a species incapable of feeding themselves—much less hitting the toilet—ever came to rule the planet.

Source: Laura Bennett http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-01-29/exactly-how-are-men-superior/

Yep. There’s not really any intellectual condemnation here. Let’s just laugh at the stupidity on display.

Laura, you appear to be an idiot. A better article could be written by your five year old son, please keep to the cognitive field of fashion and stop writing.

P.S. The latter article is due to be decimated in an upcoming podcast piece and video.

Bratz Dolls May Give Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

ArgusEyes — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 03:02:17 GMT

Can Pixar make a bad film?

ArgusEyes — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 18:33:33 GMT

I've just finished watching Wall-E and Ratatouille from Pixar. Both films are absolutely fantastic in a way that I've come to expect from that company. I have to say that Pixar haven't made a bad film yet. The only film of theirs I haven't seen yet is cars, but I’ve heard that is good as well.

I can think of no other example of this, the nearest I can think of is the Coen Brothers who seemed like they couldn't fail for a while. But then they released a bunch of stinkers and that was the end of that.

The Pixar films are a real treat for me. They are the best animated, funniest, most character-full animated films out there and may Pixar never fall.

Brilliant!

ArgusEyes — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 10:12:54 GMT